Cheers...

And just like that -- it's gone.  Another year has been blown away into the dust.  Kind of a scary thought, isn't it?  Every year, it always seems not that big of a deal to me.  Because, in my mind, every year is the same as the last.  Nothing extraordinary happens in my life; and because of this, a new year is just that -- a new year.  2009, however, unfolded completely differently than every other year.

I don't know what happened this year.  It was like the universe was going crazy and just wanted me to be on an emotional roller-coaster the entire year.

Maybe I was being punished for being happy on the cruise.  One week of happiness = three months of depression.  Maybe the reason things didn't work out this time around was because I was too happy in September and October.

I'd like to say that every year has taught me something.  And they had, friends-wise (for the most part).  But this year taught be everything.

I have never felt so used. Ever. I didn't think it could happen twice in one year. But it did. And even though the first time happened a year ago... it's still hard for me to understand that it was my fault.  Just like it was my fault the second time, too.  Everyone says it wasn't... but, how can it not be my fault?  I trusted them, I opened myself up.  I should have learned from Cody.  I should have been smart enough to realize it would happen again.  I know now for next time.

Every year, you grow as a person.  You learn things about yourself you were either too afraid to know, or not ready to know about.

I am always going to be a loner.  I have my friends, I have my groups... but even still, I am alone.  Summerstock, I had thought, would be my one way to be completely accepted.  But even that failed.  I have friends, yes.  But even after a year of spending time with those in the cast, I have only been invited to two of their parties -- the final party, and my friend's birthday.  I'm really happy that they've all become great friends, and that they hang out a lot... but really, just for once, I'd love to be included.  I hate feeling like the third wheel all the time, like I'm not completely wanted.  I know I'm shy, but I have gotten so much better this year with that.

University is probably one of the few things that have actually gone right this year.  Marks-wise, I mean.  My overall average is the best it's been since grade eight.  Not only does that make my family proud, but I feel glad that I made it through the first semester without failing anything, and getting awesome marks.  I've made amazing friends -- Rachel, Matt, Pol, Ashton... They keep me excited for school.  It's the place where I'm wanted, and feel glad to be a part of something professional.  It's the place where I made my mistake.  It's the place where I know that no matter what mood I'm in, someone is there.  No wonder why I hate leaving.

My family has been such a pillar this year -- more so than I thought they could be.  My parents still have their problems at times.  My sister and I are still just that -- sisters.  My grandma is getting worse, memory-wise.  It pains me to hear talk about the past as if it is the present, see things that aren't there, and remind me how excited her parents will be when she goes back to India (of course, her parents are long gone).  Just once, I long to see the grandma that looked after us lovingly when we were babies until junior high.  And I want her to go to India, even if it will be her last time.  It could help her so much, we never know.  I'm finally understanding that one of my family members will always be somewhat of a stranger, and that I can't always believe what she promises.  It hurts to know that, but it's the truth.  I've learned my aunt is my second mom, and one of the biggest support systems I have.  No matter what dilemma I'm in, or a friend is in, she's there to help me through it, and offer advice like no other.

2009 will be gone in just four hours.  Despite how bad some parts of this year were... it will always be branded in my memory.  I had a few "firsts", and although I wish they had turned out differently, there is no point to regret them anymore.

2010 is another slate.  "A fresh slate, with no mistakes. Well, no mistakes, yet" (As a teacher from Anne of Green Gables said).  And it's so true.  2009 I made as many mistakes as I could in one year.  Trusted people I shouldn't have; believed things to be one way, when they decided to be the complete opposite; locked myself up from those I want acceptance from now.

I want this new year to be everything 2009 wasn't.  Not just for me, but for everyone I know, too.  My friends -- Melissa, Alysha, Brian, Graham, Aysha, Sabina, Mike, Mark, Ian, Rachel, Matt, Pol, Ashton, Katie, Kierra, Ann-Marie, Courtney, Julie, Jayrin, Mena, Jordan -- I wish you the best year (so far).  Because I honestly cannot think of a better bunch of people.  You all deserve so much, and I can't wait to see your dreams unfold before your eyes.  I love you all way too much.  And I am beyond thankful that this year has only brought us closer or together.

The clock is ticking.  Tonight, I am going to grin, keep my chin up, and drink.  Not worry about what the future will hold, or what stupid mistakes I made.  I'm going to try to focus on the now, and the people I'm spending it with.

I will make 2010 a year to remember. 
I hope you will, too.

Happy New Years to you all  =)