Slaves to Time

Tick tock, Tick tock
The ever-booming, miniscule sound
     cannot help but remind us
     that time is fleeting
We are not as in control as we think
We are slaves
     Slaves to the never-ending power of time
     that still seems to
     slip through our fingers
Why does it take a tragedy to remind us how
     fragile life is?
How precious?
There is no telling when our time is up
No assurance that we have forever
All we can do is make
     everyday count
Smile. Give. Love. Be.
Dream as big as the world
Reach towards other constellations
     Smile to those who aren't acknowledged
     Give your time and talent to someone every day
     Love the people who make your life better
     Be the person who you want to be
Time doesn't care
But you can.

Crash and Burn

You look at me,

You say those words,

You smile at me,

I gaze back so pathetically.

Here I am, back where I started:

Heart beating fast

Breathing short

And those butterflies in my stomach?

Oh, they’re there, too.

I’ve gone through this before,

Only to crash and burn

In the end.

How’s a girl to know –

How am I to know –

When I won’t be burned again?

Is it the start of a new story,

Or is my movie reel on instant replay?

All we do is talk,

You’re like my drug—

Addictive, thrilling, and scary.

I can’t go a day without my fix.

It’s never been like this before,

But I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a mirage

Am I yet again grasping at straws that were never mine?

I’ve gone through this before,

Only to crash and burn

In the end.

How’s a girl to know –

How am I to know –

When I won’t be burned again?

Is it the start of a new story?

Or is my movie reel on instant replay?

All I can do is trust

That maybe this time it won’t hurt

That maybe this time it’s meant to be.

There was a reason I met you,

That I know for sure.

But I hope it’s not just me.

I’m here,

Waiting,

I’ve spent my whole life searching,

And I’m only hoping you’ve found it in me, too.

Here I am, back where I started:

Heart beating fast

Breathing short

And those butterflies in my stomach?

Oh, they’re there, too.

I’ve gone through this before,

Only to crash and burn

In the end.

How’s a girl to know –

How am I to know –

When I won’t be burned again?

Is it the start of a new story?

Or is my movie reel on instant replay?

It can’t be, it can’t be…

Okay, so I wrote this a long time ago, back in October.  Right after I thought something would turn out wonderful.  But... not so much, as I found out.  Maybe it's again applicable.

Cheers...

And just like that -- it's gone.  Another year has been blown away into the dust.  Kind of a scary thought, isn't it?  Every year, it always seems not that big of a deal to me.  Because, in my mind, every year is the same as the last.  Nothing extraordinary happens in my life; and because of this, a new year is just that -- a new year.  2009, however, unfolded completely differently than every other year.

I don't know what happened this year.  It was like the universe was going crazy and just wanted me to be on an emotional roller-coaster the entire year.

Maybe I was being punished for being happy on the cruise.  One week of happiness = three months of depression.  Maybe the reason things didn't work out this time around was because I was too happy in September and October.

I'd like to say that every year has taught me something.  And they had, friends-wise (for the most part).  But this year taught be everything.

I have never felt so used. Ever. I didn't think it could happen twice in one year. But it did. And even though the first time happened a year ago... it's still hard for me to understand that it was my fault.  Just like it was my fault the second time, too.  Everyone says it wasn't... but, how can it not be my fault?  I trusted them, I opened myself up.  I should have learned from Cody.  I should have been smart enough to realize it would happen again.  I know now for next time.

Every year, you grow as a person.  You learn things about yourself you were either too afraid to know, or not ready to know about.

I am always going to be a loner.  I have my friends, I have my groups... but even still, I am alone.  Summerstock, I had thought, would be my one way to be completely accepted.  But even that failed.  I have friends, yes.  But even after a year of spending time with those in the cast, I have only been invited to two of their parties -- the final party, and my friend's birthday.  I'm really happy that they've all become great friends, and that they hang out a lot... but really, just for once, I'd love to be included.  I hate feeling like the third wheel all the time, like I'm not completely wanted.  I know I'm shy, but I have gotten so much better this year with that.

University is probably one of the few things that have actually gone right this year.  Marks-wise, I mean.  My overall average is the best it's been since grade eight.  Not only does that make my family proud, but I feel glad that I made it through the first semester without failing anything, and getting awesome marks.  I've made amazing friends -- Rachel, Matt, Pol, Ashton... They keep me excited for school.  It's the place where I'm wanted, and feel glad to be a part of something professional.  It's the place where I made my mistake.  It's the place where I know that no matter what mood I'm in, someone is there.  No wonder why I hate leaving.

My family has been such a pillar this year -- more so than I thought they could be.  My parents still have their problems at times.  My sister and I are still just that -- sisters.  My grandma is getting worse, memory-wise.  It pains me to hear talk about the past as if it is the present, see things that aren't there, and remind me how excited her parents will be when she goes back to India (of course, her parents are long gone).  Just once, I long to see the grandma that looked after us lovingly when we were babies until junior high.  And I want her to go to India, even if it will be her last time.  It could help her so much, we never know.  I'm finally understanding that one of my family members will always be somewhat of a stranger, and that I can't always believe what she promises.  It hurts to know that, but it's the truth.  I've learned my aunt is my second mom, and one of the biggest support systems I have.  No matter what dilemma I'm in, or a friend is in, she's there to help me through it, and offer advice like no other.

2009 will be gone in just four hours.  Despite how bad some parts of this year were... it will always be branded in my memory.  I had a few "firsts", and although I wish they had turned out differently, there is no point to regret them anymore.

2010 is another slate.  "A fresh slate, with no mistakes. Well, no mistakes, yet" (As a teacher from Anne of Green Gables said).  And it's so true.  2009 I made as many mistakes as I could in one year.  Trusted people I shouldn't have; believed things to be one way, when they decided to be the complete opposite; locked myself up from those I want acceptance from now.

I want this new year to be everything 2009 wasn't.  Not just for me, but for everyone I know, too.  My friends -- Melissa, Alysha, Brian, Graham, Aysha, Sabina, Mike, Mark, Ian, Rachel, Matt, Pol, Ashton, Katie, Kierra, Ann-Marie, Courtney, Julie, Jayrin, Mena, Jordan -- I wish you the best year (so far).  Because I honestly cannot think of a better bunch of people.  You all deserve so much, and I can't wait to see your dreams unfold before your eyes.  I love you all way too much.  And I am beyond thankful that this year has only brought us closer or together.

The clock is ticking.  Tonight, I am going to grin, keep my chin up, and drink.  Not worry about what the future will hold, or what stupid mistakes I made.  I'm going to try to focus on the now, and the people I'm spending it with.

I will make 2010 a year to remember. 
I hope you will, too.

Happy New Years to you all  =)

A New Day Has Come

So it is now my 18th year on this planet. As such, I would really like to reflect upon everything, and maybe realize a few things.

First off, no matter what, my friends have always been there for me. My friends have changed throughout the years, but that doesn't even matter. The friends I have now are the best friends I've ever had. We've had our rifts (that's for sure) throughout high school, but we always stuck through it together, and I hope that never changes. Family has been another important factor in my life. As much as we argue at times, they really are my rocks at points. Throughout junior high to high school, I tried as hard as I could to shut myself up from them. But when push came to shove last year, they were there for me. Especially my aunt. I owe much of my guidance to her. She really is a second mom.

I've learned a lot about myself. Especially in high school. Actually, I realize I did the most growing in high school; those are the times that really stand out. Three of my friends were my rocks when I hit depression in grade ten. Melissa, Mena and Sabina. You may not have realized it then, but I thank you so much.
In grade eleven, I met one of the most amazing friends, Alysha. Musical theatre that year opened my eyes so much to the world I loved being a part of. I met her, and I got to be in two musical theatre plays (Wicked and Across The Universe). It was exhilarating being on stage, having a duet with Nabila in our class production. It was scary, considering everything I had gone through in elementary. But I knew those girls' comments should torment me no longer. And as soon as I started singing, the world fell away. It was just me, and the music. Since then, I'm no longer tormented by my bullies. I'm a lot stronger than I was in elementary/junior high.
Grade twelve changed everything, though. Friends changed, our group no longer was a group. I had my first real heartbreak. I suffered depression again, for four months. Musical theatre took a hold of my life like no other. I directed Mamma Mia, with a group. And I had my first solo on stage, since my grandparent's anniversary party two years earlier. That solo wasn't the best song, I don't think. But I sang from the heart. And I loved every second of it.

Summerstock impacted me in a way that no other has before. I have never met a more wonderful group of people. I'm really shy until I'm completely comfortable with people. This definitely wasn't the best plan, because I really shut myself off from everyone the first half of the program. However, as soon as I opened up, they were there with welcoming arms. I made some of the greatest friends, and cannot imagine not being a part of Stock. We all turned into one huge family, who loved eachother. Sure, we all didn't talk. But we knew we were there. Rent was such an amazing show to put on, too. The way it gripped the cast was unbelievable and only made us bond more as a cast family. I will never forget any of them, and the show. I cannot believe I don't get the chance to do it again this year. Stupid school schedule...

Now, guys. Haha, that's a gooder. My experience with guys in my 18 years has been pretty much nothing. I have liked (really liked, not a crush) a total of... 4 guys. The one guy I liked for three years in a row, was absolutely... fantastic. I've learned that I can wait forever for the right guy... but it comes to a point that I have to realize that it's never going to happen and just move on. Everytime I tried to move on, however, they were only stupid rebound crushes. The one time that I thought I had found someone else... he goes and rips my heart out after the cruise. Cue four-month-long depression. I've learned what not to do with guys. However, I didn't follow my own advice now. And I may have screwed it up royally. From going from happiness to utter bewilderment, is such a great feeling. I understand his reasoning for this, I do. It's just hard for me to trust. I've had all my friends be burned again and again from guys, and I got burned once. I promised myself that I'd be careful this time. But I wasn't, and now I'm in limbo. Waiting. Again. I will not wait my three years, however. I'm putting an end to that. I have learned that much.

After 18 years, life has had its ups (although seldom), and its downs. I realize that I've learned from my mistakes (ha, usually). And that "everything happens for a reason". Cliche, I know. But I truly do believe that. I went through what I did with Cody only to become stronger, and know my limits. I was accepted in Summerstock so I could meet fantastic people, and build my self-esteem on and off-stage. I met the friends I have to feel wanted, loved and receive the friendship I so desperately needed - My friends are everything. They are there for me through it all. As I am for them. I wasn't accepted in Victoria, so I could meet the amazing people that I have in Mount Royal. Thanks to this misfortune, I have made more wonderful friends, and have possibly made more mistakes along the way, but will always treasure it.

As for now, all I can do is look forward to the future - and whatever it brings. What do I want the most? Well, number one (as always) is to find love, or have it find me. Honestly, love is all you need. I want my friends and family to be happy, and not to be hurt as much as they have recently. I want my grandparents to live a longer, healthier life - And for my grandma to visit India once more. I want to be happy. And I know that sounds selfish, but I think it's high time happiness lasted longer than a few weeks for me. Last I checked, happiness didn't come with expiration dates.

I can't wait. 

Food for Thought...

It's been a while since I've last written, and I've been feeling guilty. Not because there's a ton of people who are just waiting to read what I've posted next (I mean let's face it: there's no one), but because I've broken my own promise to myself. I've always wanted to be able to write professionally, and I figured a blog would be a good place to start.

Today (or more like yesterday, now...) I volunteered for AIDS Walk For Life, at the foods/beverages station. It was fun, and I met some really cool people. A few of them turned out to be homeless, who had just come to eat our free hamburgers. This one man (I'd say in his 40's) was so friendly. We had a great conversation about AIDS and what this walk was for. Of course, not all homeless people are respectful (or even have control of their own minds). One older man, who appeared to have a mental disorder, threw a tantrum when we gave him a veggie burger, and continued to swear at us when we gave him another burger. The previously mentioned homeless man knew what a scene this guy was making, so he diverted his attention towards something else, and led the other man away.

Having spent most of this summer around homeless people, they continue to still surprise me with their various personalities. But what I've realized most is that they are just like us. They deserve the same amount of respect that you give to your friends.  I've always felt sorry for these sort of people, because they have never been able to step out of their unfortunate stereotype. But, even still, I've been wary of walking too close or talking to them. You never know who the "bad seed" is.

After the Walk, we had some leftover burgers. Instead of throwing them out, I asked our supervisor if it would be okay to give them to the homeless people around the Plaza. He agreed, and so I walked over to the man picking through the trash. He was so thankful for the food, and took two burgers. Then I saw another homeless lady sitting on the benches, so I walked over to her. She took five burgers and the aluminum pan they were in, all the while thanking us for being so generous. I walked away with a smile on my face.

Even though I only fed two people (in all of Downtown), I'm glad. At least they had dinner tonight, and maybe lunch tomorrow. During the summer, I was happy to be able to give the homeless ladies our half-empty bottles of water. Just so they can get some money from the plastic. It happened today, as well.

I want to help. Giving food to the homeless shelter isn't enough, because not all homeless people go there. I know it's impossible to feed every person there... but handing out food to some is a start. Right?

So many people want to make a difference, but don't know how or want to make the effort. That was me, just last year. But having spent my Spring Break in Mexico building houses... well, my eyes have opened. And this summer just opened them more.

I'd love to be able to do something. I'd love to bake food, or buy food, and hand them out to those I see on the street. I don't believe in handing people money. But what right do I have in denying them food? Everyone deserves kindness and something to eat. And I want to help, in any way I can. It might even help me grow as a journalist.

For whoever reads this, if you want to help me, that would be amazing. I just decided this today (or more like, thought about it), and still don't know where to go from here. It's a process. Always will be. But the way I see it, if everyone does their part in making this world a better place and helping one another out, the only way the progress will go is up. And that's a good thing.

So along, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye...

It's that time now when everyone is packing up, and heading out of town. Going to university. Traveling. Some of the people I care so much about are leaving for school... and where am I? 

Stuck here. No where. 

I'm glad that everyone is moving on to bigger and better things. I'm excited that they're getting the chance to start to pursue their dreams, goals, aspirations. But I'm so jealous. My chance of going to my school was shot down, just because I didn't have Pure Math. I mean, who needs Pure Math for writing and theatre? Instead of being in Victoria with great friends and an amazing program, I'm in Calgary. Waiting. 

What happened to the summer? How did it just slip through my fingers? The one summer that I wished could have lasted forever, seemed the shortest of all my summers. Of course, I'm told that always happens. When you're most happy, happiness cuts you short. 

"When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade". Well, if that be the case, then I'm squeezing with all my might. Maybe if I squeeze hard enough, something amazing will finally happen for me. One can hope, right?